Dealing with IRS is no longer so taxing

I think my tax refund should have arrived by now - I filed my return before April 15. How can I find out what's going on? S.P.- Indianapolis

I called the IRS last week on behalf of a client who hadn't received his tax refund, and it was a simple process. You call the IRS at 1-800-829-1040, and the IRS will tell you everything you need to know about your refund.  

Sometimes I miss the old IRS. You could go to sleep at night knowing the nation's coffers were constantly being replenished by IRS-fearing citizens who would rather pay more than their fair share of taxes than risk incurring the wrath of the government's scariest agency.  

Citizens who were perfectly law-abiding in every way would begin to tremble at the sight of a Department of Treasury envelope in their mailbox, knowing they should never have risked claiming that third child as a dependent, and certain that deduction for lock box rental was going to result in a different kind of lock box - at the federal penitentiary.  

Those were the days when people spoke in hushed voices about the IRS, and someone who had the ill fortune to grow up to be an IRS agent could never mention his occupation in polite society if he wanted to keep his friends and neighbors. Even family members were reluctant to mention what mom or dad did for a living. "Some boring government job," was the safest explanation if your parent or spouse worked for the IRS.  

Today the IRS is our friend. A call to the IRS results in a cheery telephone representative who shares a name and badge number along with quips about the weather. When you call the IRS you no longer have to set aside several hours of your day with a phone taped to your ear else you'll lose your valued place in the endlessly long line of other callers waiting to be served in the order their call was received.  

No, today you call toll free to 1-800-829-1040 (that's TAX-1040 for those of you who want to easily remember the number in case you have a free minute in your busy day for a friendly chat). Next you respond to a few telephone questions to get you pointed in the direction of the correct friendly agent, and presto! You're connected to a real person with no waiting on hold. At least I think it's a real person. It's hard to tell. It's almost like the Stepford Wives have started answering the phones at the IRS.  

The refund information line is actually a recording, albeit a friendly one. You can hear the recording in English or Spanish. I don't speak Spanish, but I tried the Spanish version just for fun, and found that the Spanish-speaking recording lady was every bit as friendly sounding as her English-speaking counterpart.  

When you call about your refund, you must be prepared to use the phone buttons to enter your Social Security number, your filing status, and the amount of refund you expect. A friendly voice will tell you your check is in the mail and the date on which it was mailed. If the check hasn't been mailed yet, you will learn when the check is scheduled for dispatching. If you're lucky, however, there will be a snag with your refund and you'll get to select an option that will let you talk to a real person!